Garden Gnomes

Proof of a garden is not required to purchase a garden gnome. Just go to the local store that sells useless ceramics and you can buy a garden gnome. If you do not live in a town that has a useless ceramics store, just drive down the highway for a while. You will find a house with lots of ceramic ornaments in the front yard, along with silhouettes of people gardening, or wearing a cowboy hat and leaning on an invisible fence.

Light bulbs

The light bulb was invented by Thomas A. Lightbulb back in 1953. As the story goes, Thomas was outside gardening late one evening. Fireflies kept zooming around his head. Regardless of the extra light they provided, it was really putting old Tom in a foul mood. When he was done gardening, he went back inside and mercilessly beat his wife. The next day he invented the light bulb.

Garden Hoses

A garden hose might appear to be a fun toy, like a gun or an baby elephant. This is propaganda from the gardening industry. Garden hoses are dangerous. You can get your foot caught up in one and fall down. If you’re old, you might break a hip and not be able to get up. The hose might get a kink. That kind of pressure could explode your leg right off. If you live in the country, it could be days before anyone finds you. Make sure to carry a survival kit whenever you use a garden hose, and turn off the water when you are finished.

Lawncare

Taking care of your lawn is not only important, it’s the law. First you will need a lawnmower. Get one out of your garage. If you can’t find it, ask a neighbor where it is. Maybe they took it. Start up that lawn mower and push it over the grass. Make sure you are on your own lawn during this process. If you accidentally mowed your neighbors grass, go and tell them what you did, and maybe ask for a few bucks so it doesn’t get weird, you know?