Matchbooks

Contrary to popular belief, matchbooks have no relation to actual books. They are two separate items entirely. A “match book” is a collection of matches, used for starting fires. These should be kept in a safe place, like not next to a stick of dynamite or an arsonist. A “book book”, on the other hand, is a collection of words, which incidentally, can also be used to start fires if you are in an emergency or are a mother who is angry about the information presented in the book.

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Filed under Household Hints, Safety Tips

Carpet Cleaning

Keeping your carpeting clean is a big deal. Dirty carpeting is the leading cause of heart disease and has been known to cause six different types of cancer, mostly cancer of the foot and toes. The good news is keeping your carpet clean is simple everyday maintenance. Go ahead and buy a vacuum cleaner. Now go ahead and buy a maid to run that vacuum cleaner. Phew, health problems averted!

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Paying Bills and Loneliness

You may notice that bills come, generally by mail, generally every month or so. Generally, you should pay them every month, generally. Sometimes it’s fun not to pay the bills for a while. Especially if you are lonely. Just don’t pay your bills and you will start getting phone calls, sometimes from real people. Now you have someone to chat up.

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Filed under Household Finances

Milkshakes

Milkshakes make a tasty treat. They also give you an excuse to use a blender. If you want your milkshakes to taste good, start with some ice cream. Vanilla is a good flavor. Now put some chocolate sauce in there. Chocolate is a better flavor. Add some malted milk mix and some half and half. Now press the blend button and have a nap. When you wake up, or in about 90 seconds, your milkshake will be thoroughly blended and ready to taste great in your mouth.

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Clogged Drains

When your sink drain gets all clogged up, vinegar can come to the rescue. Put a little baking soda down in there, maybe half a box or so. Now put some vinegar in to chase it down, maybe half a box or so. Your clogged drain is now an unclogged drain. This also works if you enjoy turning your sink into a foam volcano.

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Fingernail Polish

Fingernails sometimes get to feeling bad about themselves. They get down in the dumps and start thinking about just finding a nice sharp piece of paper and ending it all. That’s where fingernail polish comes in. It’s like a cheerful little pick me up, and the best part is you can use it on one finger or all your fingers, depending on the situation.

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Sweatpants by Location

Sweatpants inside the home are a great way to be comfortable. Sweatpants outside the home are a great way to let everybody know you are on important personal business, are a bad person to ask for directions, and probably didn’t have time to shower this week.

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Filed under Dressing Up

Wristwatches

Wristwatches can be an excellent tool for being on time. Also, they can make you look classy. The kind of classy that makes a person think “Damn, that guy must work at a high-powered law firm.” The best kind of wristwatch to buy is one that has lots of shine on it. The shinier wristwatches tends to be expensive, so ideally you will want to spend as much money as you have, plus if you are poor probably borrow a bunch of money also. Some watches come with calculators on them. Those watches are good if you want to audition for a teenage sitcom, 20 years ago.

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Plastic Bags

Reusing plastic bags is a wonderful way to help save the environment. OK, so you have got some used plastic bags from the grocery store and you no longer need them. Instead of getting a glass dirty, pour some soda into your plastic bag and put a straw in there. You can try other things too, like peanuts-in-a-bag or spaghetti-and-meatballs-with-garlic-bread-and-a-side-salad-in-a-bag. Get creative!

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Book Shelves

Books, and the shelves that hold books, sometimes referred to book shelves, are a great place to hide secret things. For instance, you can cut out a rectangular hole in the pages of a book and hide a smaller book inside.

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Filed under Home Decor